so, where do I start. I am a gay woman. obviously.
So i went to Jeans West the other day to buy a pair of nice comfortable baggy jeans.
They used to be branded as 'Comfort' or 'Baggy' etc.
But jeans west have re-branded them as 'boyfriend style'.

. srsly.

I do not need to just get labeled as a straight woman just because im buying jeans.

Autism: From the Inside Out
 A primer and explanation from an autistic woman to a non-autistic audience.

Different types of Autism?

Autism runs on a spectrum of different levels of social ability, some call this ‘low functioning’ and ‘high functioning’. Personally I am not a fan of this because of the implication of ‘high functioning’ person being better or superior to a ‘low functioning’ individual.

Autism comes in many forms, from completely non-verbal and non-social
(the typical ‘autistic child’ you may have seen on tv.), to people with ‘HFA/Aspergers Syndrome’ and
Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified (PDDNOS for short).

Are you all like Rainman?

Some of us are indeed gifted with superior ability in certain areas, from mathematics to languages to most anything you can think of.
But those of us with those abilities are in the minority of the Autistic population.
Most of us have particular special interests that we are incredibly knowledgeable about or remarkably talented at.
I myself can play piano to a concert level, as well as understand most anything electrical or mechanical. But basic math escapes me completely, I also have a fairly large obsession with “The Dresden Dolls” and exploitation films.

Sometimes these special interests can be a bit all encompassing. But when you find it hard to fit into an emotionally centred world, can you really blame us?
 Facts are easy to process and understand and for us they can be things of joy giving us happiness on levels that face to face conversation at times barely even match.

The autistic activist Dr Temple Grandin once said ‘I am what I do’.
Which sums it up, we are defined by what we are good at.
Non-autistics are defined by social and emotional constructs, those are hard for us to grasp.
So that definition is found elsewhere.

What do you mean by different levels of social ability?

Here is a metaphor everyone can understand.
You don’t send a fashion designer to repair a toaster. (Although I’m sure out there somewhere is a very lonely fashion designer/toaster expert dying to be called upon)

Just as you don’t do that, you don’t send an Autistic person to do a Neurotypical persons ‘job’.
We are simply not wired that way.
Neurotypicals are highly social beings with an innate understanding (to varying degrees) of social communication; this includes things like reading body language such as facial expressions, body movements, tone of voice and eye contact. Most people on the autistic spectrum do not have this ability and as such have difficulty dealing with social groupings, politeness and appropriateness (though this I think has to do more with the judgement of others than the autistic people themselves). We also have difficulty with ‘turn taking’, that is the ability to work out when to speak and when not to speak AND what to speak about.

Are you all emotionless robots?

No, not at all.

People on the autistic spectrum lack what is called is sometimes called theory of mind, or the ability to perceive emotions in others and react in kind.
You may have heard this referred to ‘a lack of empathy’ unfortunately this is often confused as also meaning lack of sympathy. I have a great deal of sympathy and am able to on a rational level understand and want to help people in plight or in need of help. I often lack the ability to emotionally understand what they are going through (unless I have personally experienced the same thing).

This can often not only apply to others, but to ourselves as well.
I myself can take a great deal of time working out in my head what my various emotions mean, honestly the only things I can feel and identify on the fly are ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘excited’ and ‘angry’.
When I do have emotional reactions to things, it is usually delayed by sometimes (hours or even days) due to the way my brain processes the information.

Because we have difficulty processing emotional information quickly and then being able to act on it, we often have extreme issues having emotionally based conversations.

This does not mean that we cannot understand what you feel or say.
We often just take our time working it out.

On empathy and navigating the social world.

Living in a world you’re not built for can be a hard task.

Let’s start off with a simple example.
You and a friend go to buy coffee.
How do you deal with this situation?

I guess you’d find something nice to wear, arrange a date, time and place over the phone.
Then meet and enjoy.

Now let’s see it from the perspective of a person like myself, with high functioning autism.
First I have to work up the courage to use the phone; this is a BIG DEAL for me I Really do not like using the phone. The whole experience of talking to a disembodied voice freaks me right out. God forbid somebody calls me the sound of the ringing can make me want to run for cover.

Then, I have to find something to wear. Okay no big deal right. Well for me this isn’t such a big problem. I don’t have issues with fabrics. Some autistics are highly sensitive to different textures and smells. So unfamiliar or tight fitting clothes can be a cause of stress and processing difficulties.

So that’s all sorted and the time and date and place are worked out.
Now I have to leave the house. Most autistics have severe sensitivity to environment.
This ranges from difficulties with bright lights, different sounds and vibrations or even the feel and smell of objects. Some of these can be heightened and incredibly painful to us or sounds that are actually very soft can be so loud as to be irritating or even panic inducing.

I’ve learnt to wear headphones all the time so I don’t have to deal with the outside noise.
Everything from loud bangs to diesel motors set me off badly. Don’t get me started on car horns.

So once I’ve dealt with this I have to deal with the social stuff at the cafe as well as dealing with environmental sensitivity. Now you may understand why an autistic spectrum person might act a bit strange or scattered.

So we get there, meet somebody we know start a good conversation.
But the friend might be upset about something and in need of advice.
Let’s say she has just lost her job and she is feeling down and upset.

The autistic person turns around and explains reasons why she might have deserved to be fired, and ways she may solve the situation in the future and then rattles on about various government services she may be able to use to get by. This is a logical answer with a focus on the facts of the situation.

But the friend she gets upset when the autistic person says these things and goes off at him or her about being heartless and uncaring because didn’t they realise they needed somebody to empathise with them and give them some emotional support.

This is an example of where Neurotypicals and Autistic Spectrum Individuals could have a misunderstanding.

The autistic person may not have understood what his or her friend needed because she did not give direct instructions and relied on emotional information to get the message across about needing support. If perhaps the autistic person has been told ‘hey, I really need you to ‘be there’ and hang out with me today and have some fun because I’m feeling down’ then perhaps things may have gone more smoothly as the autistic individual will have had a better idea of what their friend needed.

Navigating the socially based world is complicated and highly unpredictable.
The day to day social situations one can encounter range from the simple to the complex.
And all require various degrees of understand of the social ‘rules’ at play and the expectations that are required from the individuals involved.
These rules are nearly always unwritten and in a constant state of flux
depending on the people involved.
What is appropriate for one situation may really not be appropriate in another.
The same goes for the people you are around.

It’s no wonder that with our sometimes limited social understanding that we can act a bit strange.
Who could blame you when just trying to work out what other people want from you is such a chore.
But don’t jump and assume that we can’t empathise with you just because we come at things from a different angle. We can be just as caring as anyone else.

I hope this article has given you some clearer insight and greater understanding of what it’s like to be autistic, and to understand what we have to go through day to day.

- Samantha

New photos here.
I may start using this instead of deviant art.

picasaweb.google.com/tru7hless

 You tell yourself its okay.
That you ARE worth it.

And then. Sometimes you still don't know.

After that it's all drugs of choice.
Yoga, Heroin, Music, Meth.
Eating, sleeping, fucking, fighting.

All of these are copying mechanisms.

I propose a new way of dealing with terrible things.
Self help, for the radically helpless.

Lets enchant the disenchanted with a more interesting revolution.

We'll carry bundles of flowers over our shoulders. Rifle style.
To the tune of soviet anthems.

March on parliment, armed to the teeth with only the fluffiest kittens.

Somebody will scream 'BOMB' and everyone will run, hide and freak.
As the worlds largest paintball turns an office tower a bright shave of mauve.

Planes will fly overhead carpet bombing the world with 800 thread count silk pillows.

This was the world has to be fun.
Impossible not to like.

We'll have cured depression and good music in one go.

And ill finally, be able to sleep at night.

we all came from somewhere.
my parnets both worked, and all the kigs played sega.
Everyone rode bikes and yet im still nostalgic.

Pine Tree Lane. That was my street.
With Cameron across the rode and Penny up the street, chris was the first kid on the block with a playstation. I remember when that was important.

We built a treehouse in the park and the government tore it down.
Thats when I realised that there are limits to what society will allow.

My mum drove a station wagon like everybody else. and on weekends we'd ride bikes.

My school uniform was yellow and blue. shorts and a t-shirt.
Claremont Primary.
Moerlina Primary.
Swanborne Primary.
Christ Church.

I  never wanted to shuffled like a pack of cards.
Though Now i realise its just the way things happen.

Summers in the backyard pool, watching out for bees.
Trying not to get sunburnt.

On christmas we'd listen to my parents old beach boys and abba albums.
Family lunches in the sun.
Smiles and laughs.

I don't have lunches in the sun anymore.

Do i miss childhood?
maybe. but we all  have to put away childish things eventually.
Nostalgia is part of life.

Do we ever get nostalgic over being nostalgic?


The first time I saw a naked woman on a computer.
The first time I felt aroused by a naked woman..
I still remember feeling odd.
I remember hating it.

Mysteries that build.

Drops of jupiter by train and lord of the rings.
Woolen slippers and floppy blonde hair.

Morning cartoons, transformers.
The same memories as everyone else.
Yet they still matter.

Rant rant rant perfect pickup lines and the hottest outfit for summer.
Being the ultimate fragrance.
In hit months vouge we tell you the top 100 ways to lie to yourself and everyone you know.
Fuck culture being on sale, I'm ON SALE.

Limitied edition run of 20 million buy it before it goes because this generation y loser wont be around for long.
I'm fucking hot topic.


-

A celebrity is dead and I still don't care.

Some singers body in a glass coffin, which Billy Mays will hawk to you on the shopping channel, delivered direct to your door under guard of zombie Farrah.
All this and more etc etc etc

Feels like something is coming.
I don't know what.

I made some mistakes and upset my girlfriend again, by adding somebody I shouldn't on facebook.

Been wondering if maybe I should run again.
Sprint back to the safety of the ward.
I'm not sleeping again for days at a timte, relying on heather so much.
My friend Ulla says it gets easier with time.
I hope she is right.

I didn't mean to hurt heather.
I forget about the feelings of others so much it makes me want to cry.
Particularly when I hurt them without meaning to.

My friend Ulla is like my best friend since Emily left to Amerika.
It's nice to talk to somebody who 'gets it'.
Even if it is over the net.

PUnch out again, i return to my trends of generation Y indifference.
It's so easy to just hate everything.

City life is fascinating, it moves and flows different people unsure of their actions.
All on seperate paths but acting the same in groups.

People do stuff others do.
Would be the colloquial.

She doesn't care how she looks and wears her skin with a relaxed confidence.
Inside she hates herself.
But what she hates more is the image defence she has created for herself.
All pride and confidence.
She Fears to live.


A gigantic mercedes drives under my perch atop an alley stairwell.
A modern titanic. Unsinkable.
Untill the 70 year old driver forgets his meds and slams into an 18 year old in a battered carola.

This is the theatre production of life.
Only its real and the curtain is always final.

A whole generation of  battery hens laying paperwork.
Creating reforms and social stagnancy.
It may be cynical of me but i dare you to prove me wrong.
On a grand scale we have been reduced to a paycheck.
This isn't theatre anymore, or grand drama.
It's a balance sheet.

The incredibly balance sheet of like, with the most at the top and the least at the bottom.
Divided and subdivided, morgaged and leased.
This is you life and its ending one dollar at a time.

That was fun confusing playing with people.
Making them have a single thought.

I wrote notes and drop them from above. Are the messages from god if you don't know who sent them.

Hello humanity are you there?
Can you hear me!?
I'm shouting as loud as a I can.

Knock knock.
Who's there.
Social deconstruction fairy.
Okay seriously this isn't even funny anymore.

 

Slam, I slide the jack hom behind my right ear and the beatufil gridlines rise up and fill the empty spaces.

Beautiful fractal flowers of nodal data swim before me patterned in mercury glass.
Radiating pathways spread and I punch hard for the main AU internode, blue flashes divide my vision and a wall of swimming data datapoints rise and fall, punching my deck I intstruct the nearest one to open and it cloappses and I dive into the abbyss of nightmare blue points it creates.
Naving the point with my deck I lanbd In the main joburg data node, traffic and control here are laagy, and I swear to myeslf as I remember how slow things are in this part of the net.
Jerkily I pout my node on a course for the main local internode and hastily setup for braodcast.

Right now all that is me is a simple blue dotted line bursting with white fire flowing smooth down bright green data ways. my vision a wall of faded yellows and firey sparks that represent the bulk of the background data here.
The line that is me coalleses and flares becoming circular and slowly begins to coalesses into mercury.

With a pop she appears, red and white fireball that morphs into an andro pesudoform before finnaly coallessing enough datapoints to build her actual appearance.
Red spikes of fire for hair over pale white skin, where her eyes should have been only goggles strapped over what appears to be a projected image of an antique gasmask all textured in flowing purple data. The pesudoform finally solidises and shes there red and white firehair, gask mask face over a body hidden beneath a ww2 flight suit.

My mercury pool has by now coalessed into my form , the silvered mercury that is my form here pushes her fibre optic hair out of eye bright green eyes, and I ask.

Wreckfish? do you have the data?

THe reply comes in an angry stacatto of static waveforms layered over a rich affrikans.
'Ja man, ja i did. but there will be hell to pay from the walled city...'

Dear PC PowerPlay,

First up, I would like to say that I really enjoyed your recent article on Arcanum.
As one of my favorite games of all time I was thrilled to see a retro-review of it.

Now onto more serious points I'd like to make.
I'm a long time PC Power Play reader and have been a gamer since I first played Marathon way back in the early 90's.
But I'm always feeling a little left out of the club sometimes, because I'm part of that small group of dedicated women gamers.

I get so tired of seeing badly written games, where the women are portrayed as huge breasted femme fatales ala Lara Croft
or in tiny bikini's who's only purpose is to make the nearly always male player chracter, look manly.

It seems so often that game companies approach the conundrum of women gamers with the wrong formula.
Sure games like The Sims can be fun but like anything, other than locking characters in small rooms with nothing but a fire extinguisher for company it can get awfuly boring pretty quickly.

Big companies (EA I'm talking to you) seem to see women gamers as a confusing market and just think of ponies and cuteness as getting us to drop our dollars on some boring title.

Well not so, maybe they should look back over gaming history which is
littered with examples of how to make a good game that is engrossing and playable by both sexes without anyone getting upset.
An example of this is pretty much anything by the now Defunct 'Black Isle Studios' or many many indie developers who's names just never get brought up at all.

Thankfully some things have changed and we have titles like KOTOR, Mass Effect, Mirrors Edge and Fallout 3. (which deserves a metion as being possibly the single most awe inspiring game i have played since Deus Ex which is another story altogether).
But sadly these seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

Time after time we see the sad old played out first person shooter that is desperatly trying to replace gameplay innovation, storytelling prowess and perhaps a little gender equality with larger rounder bigger shinier...umm ..pixels.

So my short advice to the game companies out there, you don't have to change your storyline or gameplay to make the women like it more.
You just have to realise that when it comes down to it, we all have similar desires and wants in our hearts regardless of what gender we are.
And you should look to this to come up with solutions. Not ponies. (although unicorns and or pirates are awesome).

- Samantha

They Watch us through the tv and listen to use through our modems.
In case we suddenly realise we are alive.

Your life is wonderful.
Smile.
Close your eyes and step into traffic.
Your last thought should be, 'finally I feel something'.
Because even pseudo-enlightenment is better than nothing.

I'm sick of stalking these streets, looking for something that is not there.

I love you. (just in case nobody told you recently)

I thought about giving money for the homeless.
But all I really wanted was to free myself of guilt.

Happy 90th birthday mum, mmm here comes the train!
Yum yum yum! Who would have thought these tables would get turned.

I still see my parents once a week.
Come for the food, stay for the denial.

Staying in a psych ward is like my mothers plastic surgeon.
Always getting checks.

The neighbors have really loud violent sex.
I'd shout at them to shut up, but then I'd just feel lonely again.

My mothers told me only literature students could have babies.
3 books later and now someone tells me the truth...what have I done with my life...

One of my friends has HIV.
'Hi dude, hows the t-cell count'.
Not the best opening to start with.

Corporate nihilism.
Selling existential.
I'll make millions.
It's self help for late twenties young professionals.
'dude isn't that just Fight Club?'

Twitter is the new talk.
Facebook the new party.
Digg the new crazy uncle who wont shut up about the war.

One at a time my friends have been replaced with blogs.
But I still can't tell the difference.

I used to be happy.
But in 2017 it was declared illegal due to new descrimination laws to help the people with depression.

Robot womyn seeks same for discreet networking.
Must be BSD2.4 Compliant.

Everyday I scour the web for interesting media coverage of Autism related topics, because well its relevant to my life in a big way.
And it always saddens me no end to see us portrayed in such a negative manner, endless articles on how to 'deal with people with autism and aspergers' and how to put up with our oh so stressful ways of acting.

We see articles discussing a hope for a cure where parents with children on the autism spectrum discuss how they would just love their child to be normal, or how the have cured Retts Syndrome in mice!
The talk is always about the parents, never the children who grow up to become women and men.
Who live their whole lives this way.

Where is the positivity, I think it would be nice to hear in the media some perspectives of people on the autism spectrum who have achieved things (like Dr Temple Grandin http://www.templegrandin.com/ )
True some people have more difficulties than others and some are 'higher functioning' than others.
But we have to be honest, as soon as we grow up we're boring. Or freaks. Or Abnormal.

Media ignores us, because those of us who aren't savants doing something amazing  ,well thats just boring.
The way autistic people are portrayed in the media is nothing but harmful to us, mainly because its almost always never coming from our own perspectives.

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 There is something so inherantly wonderful about gendertash and undermining basic societal concepts.
The concept of having a 'gender identity' is totally foreign to people, that it may as well not exist.
Most people assume be they male or female that they have to act a certain way, not even recognizing their own behavioral tendencies toward masculine or feminine.
This is because of the (ingrained?) fear of being seen as not acceptable to society and peers (and sexually desierable????).
Where do these ideas of gendered behaviors come from and how to they take root.
I wish to explore this further, but I am unsure where to begin.
Is it the media? is it our parents? is it peer pressure? or is it just in our DNA?
And what does this all mean for gender varient people? are we being naturally the way we are or have we been socially taught to be of a different gender?
Personally I don't feel like I ave been influenced to be a woman even though I was born male.

I just am female.
But this is the same answer cis people give about their own genders.
So really where do we stand on this issue. Really we have the same opinion we just come at it from different viewpoints.

 Or is this all just bullshit.
I want to change public perception.
But how can I do that with no credentials.

And more importantly why am I thinking about this while sitting on top of a piece of corporate art outside an office building with all these people looking at me. God im a genius.

 Has a fascinating meeting with Matthew Jackson today.
We met for coffee at The Tiger this morning.
Interesting Man, with a very with it point of view.
Extremely Aware of ideas relating to gender identity and it's implications on society in general.
We had a long discussion for nearly two hours. His paintings are beautiful and I definitely want to explore the idea of a collaboration.
He mentioned he wants to paint me, and I mentioned that I would love to photograph him.
So at some point we'll get together and work something out.
Matthew not only is an artist and academic but very much human.
As we are all more than our labels. (NATURE OF IDENTITY)
Talked about perception and gender.
Imagery.
When people see us they see our outward presentation. But they never link the idea that our outward presentation might be something different than who we actually are.
Butch femme, masculine feminine the spectrums of identity are so intertwined and hard to follow unless you are aware of it every day and have experienced it yourself.
It was very refreshing to meet a cis-man who was aware of his own ingrained sense of himself and who he was. I'm so sick of people who walk around and can't see outside the idea of a binary.
Because for most it doesn't exist.

So anyway i'm getting side tracked.

Now I wish to talk about art.
The idea I have had which I will have to discuss with Matthew is one of layering.
I can imagine his work would be wonderful combined with photography smaller layered images within a greater painting .
When I see his work based off street art and drug culture . You can see little bits of identity and the idea of fluid personality in it.
Now I imagined taking ideas from that and using smaller images of parts of bodies and or people (of a variety of gender expression) within the greater image.

etc..anyway ideas are just flowing right now.

 

Now I must talk about Aspegers and Identity.

 

When I think about my own psyche I have difficulty explaining it in words.
My mind is so visual that I am unable to explain these concepts because I cannot visualize them.
I think in pictures, this means that my identity is mainly made up of images rather than ideas.
And so there fore , for me everyone is made up of images.
I see the way people present themselves and their environments. And because I can't make assumptions about who they are based on social cues I am left to determine who people are based on what they present.
Now thankfully I am extremely well versed at understanding imagery and presentation.
And when I see so many people who present the same it leaves me to one conclusion that there is obviously far more variety than is presented in people.

Which then leads me to a further idea, if people are varied and different. How come they wish not to show it.

 

The desire to fit into other peoples boxes is mind boggling.
Now I no little abvout fitting in or trying to fit in social boxes because of my aspergers, but the nice thing about it is that it means I do not naturally classifty things according to first impressions because I know I cannot rely on my own interpretation of said impressions.
So continuing with this line of thought, it means that somewhere underneath it all must be some human desire to be acceptable to others.

It this from natural social instincts or animalistic behavior to appeal to a social group. Does this stem from the simple idea of fish schools and safety in numbers?

Social desire is a complex issue and the concepts are hard for me to get my head around. Maybe there is something more complex or perhaps even something so simple I am unable to grasp it.

The social world is unknown to me. Why do people hate difference, why are they scared. is it stemming from the idea of something different and unique being inherently more interesting and intelligent and therefor a threat to simpler behaviour?

Is it simply the idea of intelligence versus ignorance. As it were peacocks making extravagant displays. Brain -vs- Brawn. Unclassifiable versus the classifiable.

If everyone desires to fit in, then why do I enjoy being so solitary and cherish my difference.  I have also been told other people cherish their own differences and uniqueness.

So is they do..how come they never really show it in ways that are immediately obvious. And so once more I realise it is because I am aspegers and because of that I don't realise that people express differences through social mechanisms only.

So am I at fault? or are they. Is the NT way the right way? or is the Aspie way the correct way. Or should we just attempt to for once..be human to each other despite our differences.